Counterwill in Parenting: Why Your Child Says “No” (Even When They Mean Yes)
If you've ever told your child to get dressed and they suddenly refuse—despite being fine with it moments earlier—you’ve likely encountered something called counterwill. While it may feel like defiance, what you're seeing is actually a deeply human response, hardwired into all of us.
Understanding counterwill can shift the way you parent, reduce power struggles, and bring more calm to your home.
What Is Counterwill?
Coined by Otto Rank and expanded upon by Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Deborah MacNamara, counterwill is the instinctive resistance to being controlled. It’s that automatic “no!” that arises—not necessarily because the child disagrees with what’s being asked, but because they’re being told to do it.
As Dr. MacNamara explains, "Counterwill is not a mistake or a misbehavior—it is a survival instinct rooted in the desire to preserve one’s sense of autonomy." It shows up most clearly in children who are still forming their sense of self, especially when they feel disconnected from the adult asking something of them.
When and Why It Happens
According to Dr. MacNamara, counterwill appears most frequently in:
Toddlers, who are just discovering their independence.
Tweens and teens, who are refining their identity and autonomy.
Highly sensitive children, who may be more reactive to emotional disconnection or perceived control.
Counterwill is not about logic—it’s about relationship. Children are most inclined to follow someone to whom they feel emotionally attached and safe. When that sense of connection is weak or interrupted, resistance often emerges.
As Dr. MacNamara puts it:
“You cannot parent a child who is not attached to you. The more a child resists, the more we need to lead through connection—not coercion.”
What Counterwill Looks Like at Home
Your child refuses to get ready, even when you’re already running late.
They ignore your request until someone else makes the same request and they comply instantly.
They argue against everything, even things they want or enjoy.
They suddenly forget what they were supposed to do.
Dr. MacNamara emphasizes that these behaviors are not about manipulation—they’re a protective impulse. When children feel pushed, they push back. It’s a signal, not sabotage.
How Parents Can Work With Counterwill
Here are several strategies Dr. MacNamara recommends to turn resistance into reconnection:
1. Prioritize Attachment Before Direction
Before making a request, reconnect emotionally. That could mean playful interaction, eye contact, a gentle touch, or a kind word.
“Hey buddy, I love playing with you. Can we clean up together before dinner?”
2. Lead, Don’t Coerce
Children resist being bossed around, but they will follow someone they trust and feel safe with. Be the calm, confident leader—not the commanding boss.
3. Use Routines and Rituals
Dr. MacNamara explains that predictable routines give children a sense of structure without the need for constant direction. When they know what to expect, resistance softens.
“After your bath, we always pick a story together—what book do you want tonight?”
4. Offer Choices That Empower
Give age-appropriate options to restore a sense of agency:
“Do you want to brush your teeth before or after putting on pajamas?”
Avoid overloading with too many options—that can overwhelm rather than empower.
5. Avoid Power Struggles
Counterwill is fueled by conflict. If you respond with frustration or punishment, the child’s resistance usually escalates. Instead, de-escalate by softening the tone, reconnecting, and waiting when necessary.
6. Be the Answer, Not the Opponent
When your child resists, try not to take it personally. Instead of seeing your child as the problem, be the steady, patient guide they need.
As Dr. MacNamara says:
“We don’t need to fight counterwill; we need to understand it and answer it with patience, presence, and relationship.”
Final Thoughts
Counterwill is not a flaw to correct—it’s a signal to connect. As parents, when we meet resistance with empathy and leadership, we nurture both cooperation and independence in our children.
Understanding counterwill through the lens of Dr. Deborah MacNamara and Dr. Gordon Neufeld helps us move away from battles for control and toward deeper, more secure attachment.
The next time your child says “no,” pause. Take a breath. Reconnect. That moment of resistance might just be an invitation to lead from love.
MacNamara, D. (2016). Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or Anyone Who Acts Like One). Aona Books.
Neufeld Institute. (n.d.). https://neufeldinstitute.org
